Mudded

I need something. Anything, please? I need this, I need that. But I won't choose any of it, rather let it be force-fed to me in some irrelevant way. And here I sit and wonder why the fuck do I care so much about you? About what you think, what you do, why you do that or why you do this? It is always Why and What? I'm tired of those words. They don't get me anywhere, just speculating in circles wondering if I will ever be able to stop gossiping and spreading false fears. It hurts to know that your 'friends' have never really been your friends, I mean have they? Do they actually love you or do they just need something from me? I feel taken advantage of and I consented unknowingly. Just for a fleeting moment of acceptance. The river isn't running clear now that I have seen what is surrounding the path. What is in the water? Their muddy now, the people in it that I have thought to be what I always wanted & hoped for myself have turned out to be the insecure, ill-meddling snickers & intentional ignoring, uninviting, backstabbing assholes who never liked you as much as you liked them. I bet you liked them more than they will or have ever liked themselves. Only to be liked back? Bullshit, you dug yourself deep to the vanity of another's dream and now look where you are, trapped for something beyond belief. I will eventually forgive you and I will say goodbye to all my love I sent your way. It sincerely & honestly came from me. I hope you are happy talking shit with your loved ones about everyone else but yourself. How boring are you ? Don't come walking my way with your guilt & shame, I am looking for something deeper....a bit more heart-felt.

This must be how my Grandmother's felt when they had to be at home with the kids that their husbands helped to create.
That lonely and desperate feeling and god damn tired from being everything for everyone feeling. This must be how my Grandmother's must have felt.
This must be how my Mother felt when she was the one to answer all problems and be the one to make sure dinner was on the table and all mouths were fed and ready for bed.
Emotional responsibility taking it's peak with each developmental stage and adolescent pain.
This must be how she felt when she was at her day's end and there was still more to do and not enough time or love in the world to give it her all because she has been giving everything since the day she wed into this domesticated life.
Is this how she felt when he left to the bar after his work day was done or how about when he kept to himself in front of the T.V., not to be bothered by anyone or anything.
Is this how she felt when he took no emotional responsibility for the raising of his children that carry half of his genes?
What's for dinner? You haven't made it yet?
I wonder if this is how my Grandmother's felt when I was left alone in the hospital all day, 1 day after giving birth because the Father had to go and make money to pay rent.
Or was it be with his friends, get stoned and drink beer all day because he never could make it at the end of the month anyway.
I wonder if this is how the women in my family who came before me felt when I was home alone all day with my stomach stitched closed with a crying hungry baby sucking on my nipple that was cracked and bleeding; never mind the 3 hours of sleep I barely managed to sneak in. Where was my rock? The one to lean on, the one to cry with and share this life-changing miracle with?

Can

I imagine a life of steady rhythms beating to a drum; the same beat that pumps blood and oxygen through my body. I imagine a life of moving with the seasons yet still feeling the roots still there and living with me; even though the leaves have changed their color, fallen and have left me bare. I imagine a life where these roots are the habits that serve me in my existence. What is going on with everything that I am thinking. It often seems hard to truly let go and fully reveal all that I feel. I have learned to tell a little lie just to get by. You know the one's that sugarcoat the irresponsibility. Just dust it with a little dose of forgive & forget. She is sweet and says all the right things. But really... what are you doing? Where is your money going? Why do I feel as though on some days the weight of everything I have put on my mind is dragging me down to my grave. Honestly, just wishing for an ounce of uninterrupted sleep. A restorative break from all the buzzing. I keep asking myself, why don't I deserve this? Why do I feel as though I don't deserve to enjoy this existence; feel this dance. Why must I regularly feel less than forgiving; an often tiring and selfish road to safety. I keep hoping this feeling will go away. That looming dread that I am on the edge of destruction and I am about to lose everything and abandon myself down the road too. Give it away before it gets rid of you. Why do I feel as though I don't deserve all the love in this bursting, living, and breathing world? Why do I feel as though I don't deserve this peace & magic that is riveting through my body right this second. Seen & felt in the eyes of myself with another. Where has my heart gone when I am making up excuses for everyone around me; Myself included. Understanding just a little too deeply. I can only remember everything bad that has happened to me. When I tell the news; it has been the worst. Like second nature; you're stuck on the road riding in circles in that uphill battle. Maybe get a break from my fear of everyone hating me because I am doing this or I did that. But, really I should have done that; had the exchange been different? Well anyways, I imagine a life similar to a straight line but with curves weaving in n' out or maybe a straight line with a big circle around it.

I've been stealing. I steal every god damn thing that I can use to help me keep this feeling coming. Wishing for the good ones but getting sent home with the comfort of disease. Why do I feel as though I am stealing? As if I am guilty of debauchery and sinister feelings. Is it the lack thereof that keeps my belly full of empty calories and rotting corpse? I don't deserve to live, this life is too great for me. The love too deep. The possibilities of joy and peace endless in a sky of diamonds. In the feather of a duck. The ripple of water in symmetrical circles. This creation is a gift; my heart beating with it when I let it. But my separation from me has given me dissonance and disease and is a force that drives me to steal your love... your light. There is always something wrong in my eyes; but I am choosing to see a bit different these days. I am using my eyes; I am feeling with them. I have these eyes that are actually born to see this beauty all around me. Now, if I could figure out how to see the beauty that lives inside of myself & inside everyone in our surroundings. Honestly, I do. I want to live in this World.