I am beyond tired in regards to trying to figure out every little thing about my life. I am done with that. Really ! I have spent so many hours thinking about thoughts that have no other purpose other than to know. Something concrete and something that will last through time. But none of it does except for the feeling. The feeling of One. I try to control change, I try to stand my ground and rationalize my situation and make sure that I am in line with what I think to know is right. But none of it ever proves to be true especially when I begin to ignore my heart's callings. My heart's screaming and shouting at me. I muffle it down with intellect and more information. I logically explain away what it's feeling and I close it shut for good because it makes everything too messy and it is hard to accept it's never-ending truths. I want to hear those truths. I want to feel them and let them pump freely to the outward and extending branches of my life. I want to breath in real life. Not read life or preconceived life. I want to grasp the beat of it all. That is hard to do when my mind likes to override and over analyze every single part of my existence until it is a big pile of broken glass and there is no reflection to be seen, just bits and pieces of what used to be. 

Today was a pleasant day. Winslow was in a good mood most of the day. I spent the majority of my morning distracted thinking about how the weekend went with Greg. All that was said, all that was done. I researched information about 'difficult' temperaments in children and realized that yes, Winslow has a difficult temperament indeed. Not as intense as some but nevertheless she falls within the 10-15% of those born with the same temperament. I found a list of the best 8 books on children with this temperament. I was feeling grateful for Greg's presence in my life because he has opened my eyes to the different cycles that I have fallen into that have proven to be ineffective in terms of preventing power struggles and melt-downs with Winslow. I felt some more acceptance with Winslow and realized that she is how she was born and I have to do my best to nurture and direct her in the way she needs to be raised. It has taken me awhile to accept it but today was a turning point because I also realized that I have been grieving the loss and also the non-existence of the child that I was expecting to have. I cried while listening to the audio book, "Setting Limits for Your Strong-Willed Child." I thought that perhaps Greg hadn't really realized the reality of my situation and of Winslow's temperament and the fact that this will be a life-long struggle with her. He might think that she will just grow out of these difficult behaviors but I know that they will persist and if I am just now coming to acceptance to this, how long will it take for him and what if he doesn't? It is easy for him to be able to say goodbye. She isn't his. I envy that. I want his simple life. I envy what he's able to do which is whatever he wants to do during the week. He doesn't have to carry this burden and I don't want to either but I don't have a choice. I have to learn to live this way. I am hoping acceptance is the first step towards some type of peace within all of this. I have to stop idolizing the perfect life that will lead me to everlasting peace. It isn't real anyways nor could it ever compare to what has already been given to me. We went and checked out a different school, it felt comfortable and nice. The other school that we visited was a Christian preschool and while it look wonderful, the feeling was a little off. I felt unsure about the husband who led the bible study each hour every morning. He looked at Winslow oddly and I didn't like it. Nor, did I like the judgmental remarks the woman made about 'other' kids who haven't been taught the 'Word'. I have to start paying attention to my doubts and the things that I think twice about. They are valid and are telling me something that I may be blind to. I didn't feel any doubts walking away from the 'Busy Bees' preschool, all I could think of was where are my checks so I can pay for the registration fee ? I want to stand firm in my intuition and walk in faith in that regards. I have so much experience living this way, I don't know why I ever let the World convince me otherwise.