And nothing, I mean nothing is ever enough. Or it is too much. Too often I am here and then I am there but never truly here. Fuck. Do I have control in this? Do I have a say as to what direction this will take me. Am I living in misery purposefully or just wishing blindly. Oh my, oh my do the stars shine but I only notice it for a split second before I seek out another source of validation. Wow, oh wow where have I been ? Just spinning in circles in a pretty dress. My ancestors needed it. I, however, am beginning to realize it is a source of frustration and less than forgiving results. I would like to be free of this need. This need for validation, this need for love from you. I am needy. Am I? Aren't we all? I bet my neediness bugs you and reminds you of yourself, yet you aren't able to realize it. Just push away the need for love, the need for attention. Push it away and let it rise some other time. I am learning; I suppose to not need you, or this or that. To not need things to be a certain way or to have them perfectly in line with what I believe is inviting. At this point, everything I thought I needed and now have...I just want to throw it all way because it is hitting me in the head two-fold. It's like I have what I think I want but I'm still standing outside the glass, drooling and banging my head until it bleeds. Ouch. To produce an affect, to produce a stimulus. Evoke a thought, a feeling. This magic has got me twisted, blinded, spinning in circles of self-deluded theories and hypocrisies. So, it leaves me to want to get lost in the sounds of nothing. Of something, of a heartbeat, of the wind in the trees, lost in the warmth of the sun. But that's no way to live in this society, what are you really doing with your life? Is it everything you wanted or are you waking each morning wanting more. For me, I'm going to choose to stay lost; not in thought but in feeling.
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