When do you know how to follow your intuition? Some days I just want to throw my hands up and stop listening to everybody talking and actually think for myself for a minute. Stop listening to all of their opinions. All of their set views on how things should be. What you need to do is this, what needs to happen is this because of this and that and this because of that and this. NO. I do not want to live my life in constant control. I need the freedom and peace of mind to choose what I would like to do with my time here in existence. You have no clue what that may be, so don't go around throwing your carefully planned safety net over me or your vane validity of reasoning down my throat.  I will not sit comfortably. I mean do you ever experience anything if you are always trying to be something? Always looking for some sort of validation or reasoning or acceptance from somebody else. I say, fuck that. I'm tired of people telling me what I should or shouldn't be doing. They don't know what's good for me or what I need to be doing with my life. Don't give me your opinion when you aren't in my body to make the choice.

Does this make me vane? Thinking that no one knows what is right for myself. I don't t\think so, I think we sacrifice ourselves so often for someone else's dream or play along with their game that we forget on the surface level of what truly makes us happy and what will make our heart jump up and down every single day of our lives. It isn't money, it isn't a trailer, it isn't a home, it isn't a car, it isn't a carefully planned thought out, perfectly remedied idea of a life that will bring us the most joy. It is the simplicity and appreciation for our very own breathe and heartbeat and that of everyone else's on this planet. Every species, every plant, every water of body and so on. Yet, why do we believe that we have to create this fool proof plan that will work out perfectly and create this never ending cycle of never enough. Why is it so hard to want what we have? Why does it always have to be on to the next thing when had just begun.

Can't we just take off our clothes and run through the sprinklers at night?

Are we all lying to ourselves?
Thinking this is it.
What are you waiting for?

Inadequate Lover, nope not I !

So, here I am sitting in my new boyfriends room on his bed while he is passed out full clad, beanie and all diagonally on the bed. I will have to move his lump of a body when I finally decide to shut my eyes and get some rest. He looks so cute when he is sleeping, On his side with both of his hands under his head, innocent and handsome with his beard. Not that his beard makes him innocent but more so the slight sound of his breath coming from his half opened mouth, with his arms and hands tucked under his head like an extra pillow. Okay, I'm going to have to stop typing and take a picture. Now I understand why I always woke up to my Dad with a camera sneakily in his hand, snapping pictures of me while I slept.

We are all so innocent when we are sleeping, off in dreamland. If we could take that innocence and bring it into our daily lives then I do believe the world would be a much kinder place. It is so easy to forget to love and forget the simple joys in everyday life. It is too easy to let your mind race back n' forth, silently talking yourself into believing things that aren't even real. Fears. They'll getcha good. So wrapped up in yourself, so caught up, wound up into a tense ball that all you can do is bounce from wall to wall, entertaining the dreaded nightmare of what may or may not come into play. Then again, it is a choice. A choice of what it is that you want to believe. Be live. To come alive. It is your choice whether you'd like it to be something good for you or like me on tough days choose to have worries that you are not good enough or that you just can't possibly handle someone else's emotions and past life experiences let alone your own.

What about me ? What about my life ? My dreams, my goals, my desires. What about ME ! I scream as I drift into no man's land. Well, I've come to realize that it isn't just about me, it's about everyone. Most importantly the person that is willing to give me all of them. All of their love, all of their past, present and future and here I am stuck on things that are seemingly "not right". Well love isn't right or wrong, it just is. It's something you feel, it is something you know and believe in and hold on to when shit is tough. It isn't easy either. It's hard to give yourself to someone else. You don't have to give up yourself but you do have to give. Everyday. And I'm learning each day to let go and love. For all that there is because why not ? What do you have to lose but everything and when you do lose everything what do you have? You have freedom.
These last couple months since meeting Clayton has been a whirlwind of change. Great change ! Scary stuff, really. and I catch myself on days becoming fearful of not being able to love someone else as much as they love me or do as much as he does for me. Inadequate lover. But I want to be the best ! I really do. I want to love him with all my heart, I want to bring a smile to his face every morning, every day, every night. Why do I feel like I won't be able to do this ? I find myself getting upset when he is having fun and drinking. I grow bitter and resentful. I start pointing the finger and thinking that he shouldn't be doing that and start judging him and I know that these feelings are coming from my past with my Mom. Alcohol and partying are synonymous with my Mom drowning her sorrows in beer and alcohol while growing up. Wasting her life away in worry and stress over regrets and fears.
They were always partying, it seemed as though that's all that mattered. They would spend all their money on alcohol and drugs and lock themselves in their room every weekend. Then stress later on in the week or the end of the month how they would pay for the mortgage, or pay for anything really. It was always, "We don't have any money." ,"We can't do that.", "Go ask your Dad for money." It made me sad to see my Mom unhappy and so drunk that she could barely talk and hold a conversation with her kids. Slurring her words and making jokes about myself and other people around her. I never understood it but now that I can look at it from a different perspective I am able to let go of a lot of those feelings of resentment against her for not being there for me and not supporting me or encouraging me growing up. I started seeing her with loving eyes and respect. I stopped condemning her for her mistakes and choices. Instead I loved her. I remember one night, we were talking in her room and I could tell that something had been bothering her so I asked what was wrong and she just hugged me and said that she was sorry. That she was sorry for being such a bad mom and it broke my heart to know that she felt that way. Because she wasn't a bad mom, she was doing her best to support us and deal with her own emotions and yet here I was condemning her for not thinking of me or caring about me when she was dealing with things far greater than I could ever imagine. Yet it was though her own fear of being an inadequate Mom that actually withdrew her from being a caring Mom to her children. I don't want to be that way and I sometimes see myself taking on that role. Playing into that fear of inadequacy and doubt, withdrawing from the situation. The reality of it all. Becoming resentful and bitter towards life when really I should be grateful and looking forward to all the great things to come.

I will not let my fear of being an inadequate friend, co-worker, person, lover and someday mother withdraw me from all that is beautiful and great in this life! I will embrace each day as it comes and love my family, friends, and boyfriend with compassion and understanding as best as I can. Great things happen when you let go and let your love lead the way.