Spring cleaning is rough. It is tiring and exciting all at the same time. What will stay, what will go ? I had hoped you would stay but maybe you are flying out the window on your high horse. Recycle through it all. Give it away. I moved all the stuff out from under my bed and now it is placed neatly on a wood rolling cart that I bought from that cute boy today at the thrift store. His voice is soft and his sentences are slow and drawn out. Sometimes we make eye contact and his eyes are an emerald green. He looked well rested today, more so than last time.

The piano that is moving in will wipe my tears clean from all this pain I have been carrying with me. Each Act; each breath bringing me closer to my death. FREEDOM comes with a price and it sure as hell ain't coming that easy these days. I have been dreaming all day; all damn day. Giddy with excitement; giddy with vanity and hidden dread. Laughing nonchalantly but secretly crying. I don't care anymore if you love me or not. I will say what I will. I will do what I will. I will shatter the mirror to pieces that you saw yourself in me with. I am ready to give it all up. Every last detail that I have brought into my life to make you love me. But, it is a part of me. All of it; so how can I regret any of it?

There are some boys out there that tell me they love me. They tell me how beautiful I am. How cute and what a sweetheart I am. But you know what, I am tired of hearing all of that. Your words are cheap. I hate that word; sweetheart. It's been haunting me since Jeremy in 5th grade would write me letters and he'd always tell me that in those love letters. It was all fluff and no fulfillment. They ask me out, send me music videos. I might have time to listen to those. But, I've already got a list of videos that I need to put in a playlist to replay for myself. Why not tell me something I have never heard before? Tell me something that's been in your mind for the last three days. Call me because you were just thinking of me. Surprise me with a camping trip. Take my hand and lead me somewhere I have never been. Come home and tell me a story I ain't never heard. Come home and grab me by the face and give me a big, wet kiss and let the day we had melt into yesterday. Lately, I have been thinking that I have a choice of who I want to be with. For so long, I thought that I should just go with whoever is giving me the attention. But, I am being choosy these days. So, I started telling all these boys that I am not interested and that I met someone and I like him. I actually met him in my dreams before I even met him in person. And I want to know him everyday & not just on Sunday's when the giving is good.

This happens every time I am feeling in love with life. There is always a boy, too.

Spring Cleaning

Convey
Exasperate
& maybe you do have something to say but it is scary to say in fear that it might hurt; with words. Because, they carry what needs to be put on solid ground and followed through with. Continuing the cycle and regeneration of your life's phases.

I am selling my truck that I just bought. The one I really wished for. I jumped up and down in my seat the first time I drove it. But now, the feeling has faded and I just now know that it isn't what I needed after all. So, I will swallow my pride and pass on keeping an image held tight. Perhaps in turn I will yield a greater return. A return that has been received time and time again. Experiences that evoke the feeling of love. I will remember the love that is possible when you let go of all of your shit. I am selling my truck so that I can start riding in airplanes to far away places. Out of my small World and into the World we go. I am selling my smart phone because I am on it too much & the money I get from that will sustain me in more fulfilling ways. Rather than sitting there master-minding all the paths of getting something that I want and hoping for some boy I like to click and open my story. I am selling my phone because I am tired of it bugging me and bringing my attention elsewhere. But, the internet is only a small piece of me. What do I have you believing? This may not work; we are too much a like. I keep thinking of all the reasons far and few in between. I'll eventually hate you for all that you remind me of myself. Or, I might learn to let go of those parts & find a greater love within. But, maybe this time around could be different. Maybe, this experience could switch around from my comfortable and never-ending melancholy and expected disappointment. Maybe, I could let all those stories go; let them fall to the floor and burn in flames with yesterday. I keep asking for another chance. I keep praying for a different way of knowing. A deeper faith dug further into my own well and just allow the truth to spill from my tongue. No regrets. I am Me. Forgive me, forgive you. Too long have I danced in the shadows of yesterday. Still waking up black with soot under my eyes.  Still believing if this could or couldn't. I have been battling these stories; the ones I have been telling myself since I have learned to read and write. I have memorized all their lines. All of these lies I have been telling myself to steer me away from the truth at hand. Easier to believe in some comforting story then making a choice for your freedom.Why must I stray from my truth of all that is Me? I want to be with Her in all forms. I want to hold Her in all delights. I want to know Him in all forms and love Him in all delights as well. But, there is something that holds me down. Is it my past or my pre-conceived notion of the future? Which is already happening now.

& I got rid of it all. I left it at the door-step. More so, at the Swap Meet. With someone who had a fresh dream and an approach meant to last longer than I had been sitting on. But, once I said Goodbye; I missed it. I wanted it back; two-fold.  Then, I knew that is where I always belonged.
I bought my camera for $600 a couple years back and sold it for $20 a couple weekends ago.  The guy next to me said, "Wow, you just sold that camera to him for twenty bucks?" I said, "Yeah, isn't that what the Swap Meet is for?"

& maybe next time, I will be a little bit more discerning.
A bit more in line with what is love and out of what is desperate and fleeting.

It is nice to just be with people; not ask anything of them. Nor afraid to express yourself in any way.

Life on the Real

I often avoid the truth. The one that seeps through your dreams and spills every forsaken truth imaginable. I try to listen; but I don't want to believe it. I don't want to accept it. It is rather something that lifts me from my reality and brings me to an ether world of serenity and unapologetic reckoning. But it is always there, knocking on my door. Like a glass of water just waiting to be ensued. I am often blind-sided by the reality that fits my fitting. But, 'tis not true when you look down into the well. What are you going to do when the life you have been living isn't the life you want?

There is something that really pulls you when you let it take a hold of you. You can't stop thinking about it, it is just something you have to do. Is it lust? Is it longing? Is it a way to be free from all expectations and developments of the future. What is happening in your world? Is it full of Love? Is it full of Hate? Are you counting on the mistakes to lead you through the day or are your eyes filled with tears of gratitude and absolute grace? Time is ticking away, it is gone each day. You grow a bit older until you are completely gone. It doesn't matter what you accomplish, it does not matter what you did but rather how you did it. How well did you love yourself? How well did you love this life you have been given?

Winter; Here comes Spring, baby!

Takes me awhile to get somewhere. My skin is so dry, there are thoughts that go through my mind that tell me it is because my circulation is slower than normal. That my blood isn't flowing as it should, my life is stagnant, repeating the same old patterns and mistakes. An endless feat that drags me with each pull of wrinkled soft skin. Each line pulling me back to that time where something could be touched and remembered. Time is spinning fast and yet here I am stuck in an unforgettable scene waiting desperately to be set free by any means. I've been pushing a bit harder lately at myself. I see what irresponsibility looks like and it is dreadful. I have felt it. It is desperate for care and attention. Tired and chock full of sugar. My belly is full with information and I am too busy worried about how it looks to even think that their might be some real feeling that could set me free if I were to just let go. But if I let go, then where will I go? I need to know. There needs to be a safe place for me to belong. A place to be free and a place to create from love rather than hate. I want to let this anger go. I want to let this feeling of rejection go. I want to let this need to dramatize my life for attention go. I want to give it UP! It is too heavy a burden to carry; to know that you have hurt someone with your words or actions. I want to be free of this need for victimization and  oh poor, pitiful me. I am ready to embrace myself. The one that I haven't fully met yet, but working real hard to stand alongside Her. I need to know Her. I want to believe in what I am capable for myself not in what I am capable doing for other's approval.


"A Meeting of Two"
03/04/2018

And you were sweet; like sugar on my lips.
You told me everything I wanted to hear; or so you thought.
The act worked; you didn't even have to try.
You shined like Gold and I could feel the light buzzing in my blood- rushed chest.
Is this Heaven sent?
I had no control over my already known persona when you spoke to me; a whole other person took over with every glance & eyes locked in synastry.
I had to look away each time in fear that I would fall in love with you or something crazy like that.

You are New.

Later, I'll laugh and think, "Did I really say that? I am such a goddamn dork. I totally ruined all chances. If only I had said this or that.", all with an inside chuckle and shake of my head.


Let's see if I can keep up; this time seems like the real deal.
I feel closer to riding at lightning speed with someone as bright and warm as you.
Let's just see what we can do; together.

Glory comes with the price of pain

& to those who only come around for the sweet kisses and validity of their worthiness...
for the warmth and love that I have within.

They say, "Tell me only of the joy you feel, leave the rest for no one to hear. Those things leave me feeling sad & I just really don't like being reminded of that."

You have depleted me and now you are leaving since you have seen the empty pit that I am now sitting in- when the Moon is resting and recollecting.
You can't handle the pain because you haven't addressed your own; you have been too busy looking for a way out- too busy looking for the light that someone else is carrying- but now that mine has dimmed, you've packed your bags and now you're looking for the next train out. The next light-bearer. The one with more happiness to give- more love to please with.

& to those who only come around for my pain and sorrow to lift the messy life you have pushed away each day- your cheap love only lasts until I am gone.
Does the pity you feel towards me make your life seem a little bit brighter ?

Yes, I am whole.
Made both of pain & joy. I feel both equally as so.
You cannot meet me without the other and to think you could only use my body for a place to house your sorrow & burning desire- all just for a fleeting piece of solid ground to stand on- just for a moment in time for purpose and false pretense.

& to those who only want to be around for one thing- for release & relief.

Well, to those I say, sorry but no, you cannot come over tonight if you are not willing to be with me while I walk through all that no longer serves me in all my messy & upheavaling ways of burning glory.

The only way out is through and I am sure as hell not going to be waiting on the sidelines for someone to choose me for their reckoning of worth & validity.
I can do that for myself.
So, it's either we are in this together or not at all.
You can't pick & choose what you want in this relationship, we either walk through together or not at all.
I will only give my time to those who are here with me on this messy yet beautiful journey.
You are either in time or stuck waiting in line for the next train out.
May peace & forgiveness be with you in your travels & remember, wherever you go...there you are.