The WHY. I hate the WHY ! There is no why. It just is, yet so hard to accept. All of us are great and have so much to share with an abundance that is seldom brought forth. I will not judge another person's life and their experience by what it is. That experience they are choosing to have does not make them who they are. Through people is where we learn the most, so logically it doesn't make sense for me to go off and live in the desert alone with my daughter. but it DOES. It does because I haven't fully realized who I am in the world just yet. We haven't discovered ourselves. I've been too busy putting on a goddamn show to all around me trying to prove that I am something of worth and commendation. I've got all the bells and whistles, pretty good at getting the sympathy too. It is sickening, really. It is not me, it is a pre-fabricated existence that I want you to believe about me. How fucking horrible, sad and pathetic. Wow, so no wonder I become bitter because it takes A LOT of energy to be performing at my best all the time for all these people in my life. I put myself on a pedestal and I crave the attention, I crave the acknowledgement, I will do anything for the praise and adoration even if I am doing something that I completely despise. Like cleaning a goddamn microwave and oven, painting crown moulding, vaccuming a kitchen ! I mean, c'mon?!!! What the hell am I doing with my life. Nothing...but performing tasks well. I despise public school for this. Sets us up for the grand performance, in my experience at least. The great stage of the American Dream. I've become a lover for the dramatics. I have become addicted to the theatrics. So far removed from genuinity.
I'm walking off, tipping my hat, saying goodnight and going inside to find who I really am because all of this is just fluff.
On a sidenote, these are just thoughts and ideas....ephemeral and maybe containing substance OR just part of the show as well. Sometimes the lines are blurred please do forgive me of my ambivalence.
Artist Mark Wagner
