Have you realized yet how I'm just a kid running around trying to grab the attention of all the important people in my life that never could give it to me as a kid. Always seeking for the attention, the validation, the longing to be loved with adoring eyes and warm, warm, warm hugs and gentle kisses. I never knew that, I never experienced the warm love that is present in all of our arms. I'm running around right now in my life as the kid I never got to be. I'm just now realizing that maybe I'm something more than just standing around and looking pretty. Something more than running around trying to make everyone laugh but feeling completely awful inside. The awful that chews up your insides, the churn of the bloated belly and shoulder blades deep in ache from the shovel and the rake. Trying to plow the seeds for something ahead, something to be congratulated for, something to be noticed for, admired for, adored for because that feels good. That's the only thing I know, I was always treated like an object. Something to be talked about and tossed around. Never having the chance to say how I felt about any experience. At some point I just stopped feeling all together. It was easier to be happy, but secretly crying into my journal or pouring my heart out into a song. Do you realize I dress the way I do so people tell me I look nice because I don't know it for myself to be true? Did you realize yet that everything I do is for you? For you to realize that I am a person too but I'm so lost inside I don't know how to do anything other than try to impress you. And do you realize how much I love you but only know how to make you love me ? Never experiencing the giving because I never experienced the receiving. And now I'm experiencing the joy of breathing, of discovering, playing, dancing, anything and everything that got shut out from the start. But it was never anyone's fault....for so long I thought. Instead it was the dying need to be embraced and not fought. Never assuming the reality as a child. Because if children are not seen as our same then surely we will all feel that they are a pain and only worth the time when I was falling, crying, failing, succeeding, lying, manipulating, and finally controlling how you will feel and perceive me. Everything except just being me. Calling my name, calling me back home to my roots of sadness and rejection. I was told that I had a pretty face, she's going to get all the boys in school, you should be a model, you've got the legs and the face. You're never going to get a boyfriend like that picking your face. You should learn how to cook yourself a meal, how are you going to cook your husband dinner after he gets home ? I simply replied...he can cook himself dinner....never learning the love that comes with cooking someone a meal and the desire to sit share it with another person just to sit and share it with someone...not the annoyance of "have to's" the annoyance that came along with having to feed a whiny kid and yourself too. Never enjoying our selves and simply being with each other. I don't know that feeling quite yet, but my daughter Winslow is helping me with it tremendously. To her, I owe her my freedom. 

A man's company is one that I enjoy. His strength, his gentle and sweet disposition. A confident man that is confident in his counterparts. The one that sees far beyond his mirror. Does such man exist? Or am I simply, once again, unduly dreaming. Is it so wrong for me to love the strong embrace that a man can give? Is it so wrong for me to want someone who is willing to protect me and stand by me when the seas are troubling and choppy? I will not allow a man per say to define me, but I will allow him to refine me into the greater being that I am. I will allow him to comfort me in his embrace and allow my self-righteousness to fall at my knees. I will allow myself to reach greater heights with my hand in his as we walk together into the sunrise of each day. I am not ashamed of this. To be interdependant with another is the greatest source of inspiration and freedom to achieve. I will meet that man and we will be free, together yet separately.

Dear Breanna,

I am writing this to you because I have seen you in the darkest places and for too long I have left you there. I abandoned you because it hurt too much to be seen, to be heard, to be open. I heard you say you didn't have much to offer, that you were too scattered, too forgetful, too emotional. You even went as far as to say you'd rather not open yourself to anyone in fear of that dreaded rejection, the all too familiar facade of being alone and preferring it. I want you to know that you are beautiful. Your spontaneous and erratic nature is what helps you grow and shed your scales. Who told you that you had to sit still and dig your heals into the dirt and continue along any particular path. It's okay to change your direction, it is okay for you to change your mind and opinion on every possible scenario and event. I like that about you, it opens possibilities and burns boxes. Use that fire to burn your own trail. It's okay that you can't make up your mind and make a decision, or change it at the last minute. It makes your life exciting. Don't worry about getting anywhere, you are already here. You are worthy of friendship and companionship. You are beautiful, have I told you that already ? Your sadness and desperation opens space for joy and humility. Your tears slowly move you into yourself and shapes your best being; just like a river shapes rocks and creates new formations as it flows. I love you. I love you and not just the best parts about you. I love that you are willing to give it all up, knowing that whatever is next is better than it has ever been. I love that you are never complacent and strive for the best this life has to offer. Don't give up, I believe in you. In your darkest hour, I still see the light shining inside of you. You are the best friend, mother, daughter, sister, and employee anyone could ask for. I love you, I really do. I love your voice and the way you speak with carefully chosen words of expression. I love the way that you look deep down into another person's eyes and see that you are forever equal in nature and love. I love the way you walk and the way you look around you and notice every little thing inside and outside of this world. I love the scar on the lower half of your belly because it is a reminder of the day you brought your beautiful daughter into the world. I love your stretch marks because it is proof you grew and carried a whole human in your body. I love the scars on your face from stress related pimples, they show you care and are willing to open space for the hurt you are feeling. I love the way you are always up for a fun time yet always make time to be quiet and alone. I love the way you extend your love with every part of you. I love you as you are; in any and every condition. Today, tomorrow, and forever.

Experience Interpersonal Love

I enjoy being alone. It allows for me to recharge and check myself. Dive into my interests, really hone in on me. That's important. It is important for maintaining healthy relationships. It is easy for me to get lost in another person, totally melt into them. For me, I need to step away for some air; some stillness. I am enjoying the relationships in my life; they are few and full. I am carefully choosing my time with the people in my life. I love the life they all bring into me and what I bring for them. It is a shared presence that I value so highly in this simple everyday life. I am not choosing to be alone to get away from people and their problems, I am choosing to be alone to be there for myself and my own problems.

To one friend, I'll be the one that listens to every single word she says without a peep on my end. The only reason I'm able my undivided attention with her is because I've already spilled my guts to another friend that hardly had a peep on her end. This exchange is the beauty of interpersonal relationships. A give and receive exchange. Receive that person for who they are and give them the attention that they are sharing with you at that moment. We can only share ourselves when we fully know ourselves and this is only possible in times of introspection and stillness.

It is easy to become annoyed with another person when they are taking attention away from you. This happens when I haven't been by myself long enough. Long enough to let the feeling of anger, sadness, despair, confusion, frustration all boil up and dissipate. To listen to myself for once, give myself my own attention.To cease the projection onto others and be present with myself so that I may be present with the people and my surroundings.

If I were always communicating with you then I'd begin to have a hard time formulating my own thoughts. The lines will start to blur and we will begin to enmesh. This is fun for a good while but it drains me. I must be away for some time to fill my cup back up but don't worry because I'll show up again with more love to give.

 Life is best spent with others but I'm reconsidering the whole idea of the married couple. We choose one person to spend practically all of our time with, this is unhealthy. Unless the couple is able to be together yet separate. Separate in the sense that we are our own person and live independently yet in harmony. Share presence rather than compete, scold, compare, resent, and punish the person we are in contact with. This is considered taking it out on the other person. This is irresponsible because we are not dealing with our emotions by ourselves. We are not attending to our bodies. Instead, we are putting it all on someone else's shoulders and making them feel our pain. This is not what we are here for.We are here to share life with each other. We do not owe each other anything. What we owe to ourselves is respect, undivided attention when needed, and honesty.
These are the relationships I am cultivating. A union of shared breath and love with myself and everyone in this life.

Artwork by Norman Duenas

I will not be ashamed of myself any longer. I will not be ashamed of my choices, my decisions, my heartache, my sadness, my forgetfulness, my sorrow, my mindlessness, my laziness. I often wonder how everyone else does it? How do they keep it going long enough to accomplish something, long enough to build something off of. I have no experience with this...well maybe I do but it's out of my sight because I am too busy looking at everything else that I SHOULD be doing. Today, all day all I could think of was that I shouldn't be doing everything that I was doing. Every choice I made was counteracted with myself telling me, no...you really should be doing this instead. How frustrating and defeating that is to be constantly at odds with myself. I have no love for myself, as I am beginning to realize. I thought I did but it was false. It was covered up in clothes and trends, interesting facts and stories. All of it just make believe. I have no basis of who I am and who is me because I have forever buried myself in fear of actually being seen. I am scared of rejection. So, I outwardly reject those around me and the ones I do want to be around, end up rejecting me. It's the same story over and over again. When will it stop ? I feel pinned to the wheel, screaming and desperately wanting off but secretly enjoying it. What else do I know? This is comfortable....and now that I am slowly becoming unpinned, I feel even more scared. Scared of my potential. Scared of losing anything great that comes out of me. This loss runs deep, it is ingrained in my DNA. If for once, I could just forgive myself of everything I didn't do or was supposed to do. Forgive myself for not following through with something...giving up, especially. Forgive myself for being selfish, for being less than, for not eating the right foods for my body. Because it's all this scolding and
"should-be's" that are preventing me from being free. They cloud my mind, eat me up inside...literally  .