Spring cleaning is rough. It is tiring and exciting all at the same time. What will stay, what will go ? I had hoped you would stay but maybe you are flying out the window on your high horse. Recycle through it all. Give it away. I moved all the stuff out from under my bed and now it is placed neatly on a wood rolling cart that I bought from that cute boy today at the thrift store. His voice is soft and his sentences are slow and drawn out. Sometimes we make eye contact and his eyes are an emerald green. He looked well rested today, more so than last time.

The piano that is moving in will wipe my tears clean from all this pain I have been carrying with me. Each Act; each breath bringing me closer to my death. FREEDOM comes with a price and it sure as hell ain't coming that easy these days. I have been dreaming all day; all damn day. Giddy with excitement; giddy with vanity and hidden dread. Laughing nonchalantly but secretly crying. I don't care anymore if you love me or not. I will say what I will. I will do what I will. I will shatter the mirror to pieces that you saw yourself in me with. I am ready to give it all up. Every last detail that I have brought into my life to make you love me. But, it is a part of me. All of it; so how can I regret any of it?

There are some boys out there that tell me they love me. They tell me how beautiful I am. How cute and what a sweetheart I am. But you know what, I am tired of hearing all of that. Your words are cheap. I hate that word; sweetheart. It's been haunting me since Jeremy in 5th grade would write me letters and he'd always tell me that in those love letters. It was all fluff and no fulfillment. They ask me out, send me music videos. I might have time to listen to those. But, I've already got a list of videos that I need to put in a playlist to replay for myself. Why not tell me something I have never heard before? Tell me something that's been in your mind for the last three days. Call me because you were just thinking of me. Surprise me with a camping trip. Take my hand and lead me somewhere I have never been. Come home and tell me a story I ain't never heard. Come home and grab me by the face and give me a big, wet kiss and let the day we had melt into yesterday. Lately, I have been thinking that I have a choice of who I want to be with. For so long, I thought that I should just go with whoever is giving me the attention. But, I am being choosy these days. So, I started telling all these boys that I am not interested and that I met someone and I like him. I actually met him in my dreams before I even met him in person. And I want to know him everyday & not just on Sunday's when the giving is good.

This happens every time I am feeling in love with life. There is always a boy, too.

Spring Cleaning

Convey
Exasperate
& maybe you do have something to say but it is scary to say in fear that it might hurt; with words. Because, they carry what needs to be put on solid ground and followed through with. Continuing the cycle and regeneration of your life's phases.

I am selling my truck that I just bought. The one I really wished for. I jumped up and down in my seat the first time I drove it. But now, the feeling has faded and I just now know that it isn't what I needed after all. So, I will swallow my pride and pass on keeping an image held tight. Perhaps in turn I will yield a greater return. A return that has been received time and time again. Experiences that evoke the feeling of love. I will remember the love that is possible when you let go of all of your shit. I am selling my truck so that I can start riding in airplanes to far away places. Out of my small World and into the World we go. I am selling my smart phone because I am on it too much & the money I get from that will sustain me in more fulfilling ways. Rather than sitting there master-minding all the paths of getting something that I want and hoping for some boy I like to click and open my story. I am selling my phone because I am tired of it bugging me and bringing my attention elsewhere. But, the internet is only a small piece of me. What do I have you believing? This may not work; we are too much a like. I keep thinking of all the reasons far and few in between. I'll eventually hate you for all that you remind me of myself. Or, I might learn to let go of those parts & find a greater love within. But, maybe this time around could be different. Maybe, this experience could switch around from my comfortable and never-ending melancholy and expected disappointment. Maybe, I could let all those stories go; let them fall to the floor and burn in flames with yesterday. I keep asking for another chance. I keep praying for a different way of knowing. A deeper faith dug further into my own well and just allow the truth to spill from my tongue. No regrets. I am Me. Forgive me, forgive you. Too long have I danced in the shadows of yesterday. Still waking up black with soot under my eyes.  Still believing if this could or couldn't. I have been battling these stories; the ones I have been telling myself since I have learned to read and write. I have memorized all their lines. All of these lies I have been telling myself to steer me away from the truth at hand. Easier to believe in some comforting story then making a choice for your freedom.Why must I stray from my truth of all that is Me? I want to be with Her in all forms. I want to hold Her in all delights. I want to know Him in all forms and love Him in all delights as well. But, there is something that holds me down. Is it my past or my pre-conceived notion of the future? Which is already happening now.