Spring cleaning is rough. It is tiring and exciting all at the same time. What will stay, what will go ? I had hoped you would stay but maybe you are flying out the window on your high horse. Recycle through it all. Give it away. I moved all the stuff out from under my bed and now it is placed neatly on a wood rolling cart that I bought from that cute boy today at the thrift store. His voice is soft and his sentences are slow and drawn out. Sometimes we make eye contact and his eyes are an emerald green. He looked well rested today, more so than last time.

The piano that is moving in will wipe my tears clean from all this pain I have been carrying with me. Each Act; each breath bringing me closer to my death. FREEDOM comes with a price and it sure as hell ain't coming that easy these days. I have been dreaming all day; all damn day. Giddy with excitement; giddy with vanity and hidden dread. Laughing nonchalantly but secretly crying. I don't care anymore if you love me or not. I will say what I will. I will do what I will. I will shatter the mirror to pieces that you saw yourself in me with. I am ready to give it all up. Every last detail that I have brought into my life to make you love me. But, it is a part of me. All of it; so how can I regret any of it?

There are some boys out there that tell me they love me. They tell me how beautiful I am. How cute and what a sweetheart I am. But you know what, I am tired of hearing all of that. Your words are cheap. I hate that word; sweetheart. It's been haunting me since Jeremy in 5th grade would write me letters and he'd always tell me that in those love letters. It was all fluff and no fulfillment. They ask me out, send me music videos. I might have time to listen to those. But, I've already got a list of videos that I need to put in a playlist to replay for myself. Why not tell me something I have never heard before? Tell me something that's been in your mind for the last three days. Call me because you were just thinking of me. Surprise me with a camping trip. Take my hand and lead me somewhere I have never been. Come home and tell me a story I ain't never heard. Come home and grab me by the face and give me a big, wet kiss and let the day we had melt into yesterday. Lately, I have been thinking that I have a choice of who I want to be with. For so long, I thought that I should just go with whoever is giving me the attention. But, I am being choosy these days. So, I started telling all these boys that I am not interested and that I met someone and I like him. I actually met him in my dreams before I even met him in person. And I want to know him everyday & not just on Sunday's when the giving is good.

This happens every time I am feeling in love with life. There is always a boy, too.