I cleaned the house and it was clean, no toys on the floor or the table. I vacuumed all the crumbs and miscellaneous pieces of paper and cut toys that Winslow has trailed along the floor as the week has passed. Just the other night, I sat here at this same table feeling grateful for our mess that piled onto the table but the feeling has since passed and now I want everything to be neat and clutter-free. Why? Maybe because I have too many thoughts and if I am not surrounded by too many things then perhaps my mind can not be cluttered with too many thoughts. I can feel my blood vessels tighten as I see Winslow strewing her toys everywhere again and create little homes and beds out of stacks of playing cards and scraps of cloth for blankets. I think for a moment, would I trade a clean home made of silence and an average mess for what I have now which is a constant ever-evolving mess with ups and downs of emotions, one moment anger, the other immense pain from hitting herself on the cupboard door. I think yes, I would like to live in that place of silence. With the ability to be immersed in my mind and embark on whatever I wanted to do at the moment but I don't have that anymore. So, after that thought, I erased the longing out of my heart. Instead I longed for acceptance and peace with my circumstance. I heard once that peace isn't the feeling of anything absent but more so the presence of something. I want to know that something and rest in that place. I want my eyes to be open to the life that has been given to me. Appreciate and cherish the moments of now with my daughter. She isn't perfect in any way but she is perfect in her blemishes, mishaps, and growing pains. She isn't what I wanted in any way nor am I the Mother that I want to be on most days. I often idolize ideas of perfection and what could or would bring about the best circumstance. I get lost in these idols that keep me chasing after them, relentlessly pulling forward and covering up the mistakes I've made. Full of shame and guilt for feeling the wrong thing or making the wrong move. Where is the love in that ? Where is G-d in that ? Nowhere, really. I am abandoned in those moments. Blind in the wilderness. But with that, I return time and time again to His place. His home that He has made for me. I must look beyond my idols of idealized personas and ways of being. I must see past my carnally imperfect mishaps and humble myself in the awe of G-d and his wondrous Creation. Carry me, I ask of You. Bring me forth in the palm of Your hand so that I may continually receive the abundance that is constantly flowing all around me. This is only possible with You. Carry me and keep my eyes open and heart softened to the degrees of living momentously graceful.