Can

I imagine a life of steady rhythms beating to a drum; the same beat that pumps blood and oxygen through my body. I imagine a life of moving with the seasons yet still feeling the roots still there and living with me; even though the leaves have changed their color, fallen and have left me bare. I imagine a life where these roots are the habits that serve me in my existence. What is going on with everything that I am thinking. It often seems hard to truly let go and fully reveal all that I feel. I have learned to tell a little lie just to get by. You know the one's that sugarcoat the irresponsibility. Just dust it with a little dose of forgive & forget. She is sweet and says all the right things. But really... what are you doing? Where is your money going? Why do I feel as though on some days the weight of everything I have put on my mind is dragging me down to my grave. Honestly, just wishing for an ounce of uninterrupted sleep. A restorative break from all the buzzing. I keep asking myself, why don't I deserve this? Why do I feel as though I don't deserve to enjoy this existence; feel this dance. Why must I regularly feel less than forgiving; an often tiring and selfish road to safety. I keep hoping this feeling will go away. That looming dread that I am on the edge of destruction and I am about to lose everything and abandon myself down the road too. Give it away before it gets rid of you. Why do I feel as though I don't deserve all the love in this bursting, living, and breathing world? Why do I feel as though I don't deserve this peace & magic that is riveting through my body right this second. Seen & felt in the eyes of myself with another. Where has my heart gone when I am making up excuses for everyone around me; Myself included. Understanding just a little too deeply. I can only remember everything bad that has happened to me. When I tell the news; it has been the worst. Like second nature; you're stuck on the road riding in circles in that uphill battle. Maybe get a break from my fear of everyone hating me because I am doing this or I did that. But, really I should have done that; had the exchange been different? Well anyways, I imagine a life similar to a straight line but with curves weaving in n' out or maybe a straight line with a big circle around it.

I've been stealing. I steal every god damn thing that I can use to help me keep this feeling coming. Wishing for the good ones but getting sent home with the comfort of disease. Why do I feel as though I am stealing? As if I am guilty of debauchery and sinister feelings. Is it the lack thereof that keeps my belly full of empty calories and rotting corpse? I don't deserve to live, this life is too great for me. The love too deep. The possibilities of joy and peace endless in a sky of diamonds. In the feather of a duck. The ripple of water in symmetrical circles. This creation is a gift; my heart beating with it when I let it. But my separation from me has given me dissonance and disease and is a force that drives me to steal your love... your light. There is always something wrong in my eyes; but I am choosing to see a bit different these days. I am using my eyes; I am feeling with them. I have these eyes that are actually born to see this beauty all around me. Now, if I could figure out how to see the beauty that lives inside of myself & inside everyone in our surroundings. Honestly, I do. I want to live in this World.