There is something that really pulls you when you let it take a hold of you. You can't stop thinking about it, it is just something you have to do. Is it lust? Is it longing? Is it a way to be free from all expectations and developments of the future. What is happening in your world? Is it full of Love? Is it full of Hate? Are you counting on the mistakes to lead you through the day or are your eyes filled with tears of gratitude and absolute grace? Time is ticking away, it is gone each day. You grow a bit older until you are completely gone. It doesn't matter what you accomplish, it does not matter what you did but rather how you did it. How well did you love yourself? How well did you love this life you have been given?

Winter; Here comes Spring, baby!

Takes me awhile to get somewhere. My skin is so dry, there are thoughts that go through my mind that tell me it is because my circulation is slower than normal. That my blood isn't flowing as it should, my life is stagnant, repeating the same old patterns and mistakes. An endless feat that drags me with each pull of wrinkled soft skin. Each line pulling me back to that time where something could be touched and remembered. Time is spinning fast and yet here I am stuck in an unforgettable scene waiting desperately to be set free by any means. I've been pushing a bit harder lately at myself. I see what irresponsibility looks like and it is dreadful. I have felt it. It is desperate for care and attention. Tired and chock full of sugar. My belly is full with information and I am too busy worried about how it looks to even think that their might be some real feeling that could set me free if I were to just let go. But if I let go, then where will I go? I need to know. There needs to be a safe place for me to belong. A place to be free and a place to create from love rather than hate. I want to let this anger go. I want to let this feeling of rejection go. I want to let this need to dramatize my life for attention go. I want to give it UP! It is too heavy a burden to carry; to know that you have hurt someone with your words or actions. I want to be free of this need for victimization and  oh poor, pitiful me. I am ready to embrace myself. The one that I haven't fully met yet, but working real hard to stand alongside Her. I need to know Her. I want to believe in what I am capable for myself not in what I am capable doing for other's approval.


"A Meeting of Two"
03/04/2018

And you were sweet; like sugar on my lips.
You told me everything I wanted to hear; or so you thought.
The act worked; you didn't even have to try.
You shined like Gold and I could feel the light buzzing in my blood- rushed chest.
Is this Heaven sent?
I had no control over my already known persona when you spoke to me; a whole other person took over with every glance & eyes locked in synastry.
I had to look away each time in fear that I would fall in love with you or something crazy like that.

You are New.

Later, I'll laugh and think, "Did I really say that? I am such a goddamn dork. I totally ruined all chances. If only I had said this or that.", all with an inside chuckle and shake of my head.


Let's see if I can keep up; this time seems like the real deal.
I feel closer to riding at lightning speed with someone as bright and warm as you.
Let's just see what we can do; together.

Glory comes with the price of pain

& to those who only come around for the sweet kisses and validity of their worthiness...
for the warmth and love that I have within.

They say, "Tell me only of the joy you feel, leave the rest for no one to hear. Those things leave me feeling sad & I just really don't like being reminded of that."

You have depleted me and now you are leaving since you have seen the empty pit that I am now sitting in- when the Moon is resting and recollecting.
You can't handle the pain because you haven't addressed your own; you have been too busy looking for a way out- too busy looking for the light that someone else is carrying- but now that mine has dimmed, you've packed your bags and now you're looking for the next train out. The next light-bearer. The one with more happiness to give- more love to please with.

& to those who only come around for my pain and sorrow to lift the messy life you have pushed away each day- your cheap love only lasts until I am gone.
Does the pity you feel towards me make your life seem a little bit brighter ?

Yes, I am whole.
Made both of pain & joy. I feel both equally as so.
You cannot meet me without the other and to think you could only use my body for a place to house your sorrow & burning desire- all just for a fleeting piece of solid ground to stand on- just for a moment in time for purpose and false pretense.

& to those who only want to be around for one thing- for release & relief.

Well, to those I say, sorry but no, you cannot come over tonight if you are not willing to be with me while I walk through all that no longer serves me in all my messy & upheavaling ways of burning glory.

The only way out is through and I am sure as hell not going to be waiting on the sidelines for someone to choose me for their reckoning of worth & validity.
I can do that for myself.
So, it's either we are in this together or not at all.
You can't pick & choose what you want in this relationship, we either walk through together or not at all.
I will only give my time to those who are here with me on this messy yet beautiful journey.
You are either in time or stuck waiting in line for the next train out.
May peace & forgiveness be with you in your travels & remember, wherever you go...there you are.

Mudded

I need something. Anything, please? I need this, I need that. But I won't choose any of it, rather let it be force-fed to me in some irrelevant way. And here I sit and wonder why the fuck do I care so much about you? About what you think, what you do, why you do that or why you do this? It is always Why and What? I'm tired of those words. They don't get me anywhere, just speculating in circles wondering if I will ever be able to stop gossiping and spreading false fears. It hurts to know that your 'friends' have never really been your friends, I mean have they? Do they actually love you or do they just need something from me? I feel taken advantage of and I consented unknowingly. Just for a fleeting moment of acceptance. The river isn't running clear now that I have seen what is surrounding the path. What is in the water? Their muddy now, the people in it that I have thought to be what I always wanted & hoped for myself have turned out to be the insecure, ill-meddling snickers & intentional ignoring, uninviting, backstabbing assholes who never liked you as much as you liked them. I bet you liked them more than they will or have ever liked themselves. Only to be liked back? Bullshit, you dug yourself deep to the vanity of another's dream and now look where you are, trapped for something beyond belief. I will eventually forgive you and I will say goodbye to all my love I sent your way. It sincerely & honestly came from me. I hope you are happy talking shit with your loved ones about everyone else but yourself. How boring are you ? Don't come walking my way with your guilt & shame, I am looking for something deeper....a bit more heart-felt.

This must be how my Grandmother's felt when they had to be at home with the kids that their husbands helped to create.
That lonely and desperate feeling and god damn tired from being everything for everyone feeling. This must be how my Grandmother's must have felt.
This must be how my Mother felt when she was the one to answer all problems and be the one to make sure dinner was on the table and all mouths were fed and ready for bed.
Emotional responsibility taking it's peak with each developmental stage and adolescent pain.
This must be how she felt when she was at her day's end and there was still more to do and not enough time or love in the world to give it her all because she has been giving everything since the day she wed into this domesticated life.
Is this how she felt when he left to the bar after his work day was done or how about when he kept to himself in front of the T.V., not to be bothered by anyone or anything.
Is this how she felt when he took no emotional responsibility for the raising of his children that carry half of his genes?
What's for dinner? You haven't made it yet?
I wonder if this is how my Grandmother's felt when I was left alone in the hospital all day, 1 day after giving birth because the Father had to go and make money to pay rent.
Or was it be with his friends, get stoned and drink beer all day because he never could make it at the end of the month anyway.
I wonder if this is how the women in my family who came before me felt when I was home alone all day with my stomach stitched closed with a crying hungry baby sucking on my nipple that was cracked and bleeding; never mind the 3 hours of sleep I barely managed to sneak in. Where was my rock? The one to lean on, the one to cry with and share this life-changing miracle with?

Can

I imagine a life of steady rhythms beating to a drum; the same beat that pumps blood and oxygen through my body. I imagine a life of moving with the seasons yet still feeling the roots still there and living with me; even though the leaves have changed their color, fallen and have left me bare. I imagine a life where these roots are the habits that serve me in my existence. What is going on with everything that I am thinking. It often seems hard to truly let go and fully reveal all that I feel. I have learned to tell a little lie just to get by. You know the one's that sugarcoat the irresponsibility. Just dust it with a little dose of forgive & forget. She is sweet and says all the right things. But really... what are you doing? Where is your money going? Why do I feel as though on some days the weight of everything I have put on my mind is dragging me down to my grave. Honestly, just wishing for an ounce of uninterrupted sleep. A restorative break from all the buzzing. I keep asking myself, why don't I deserve this? Why do I feel as though I don't deserve to enjoy this existence; feel this dance. Why must I regularly feel less than forgiving; an often tiring and selfish road to safety. I keep hoping this feeling will go away. That looming dread that I am on the edge of destruction and I am about to lose everything and abandon myself down the road too. Give it away before it gets rid of you. Why do I feel as though I don't deserve all the love in this bursting, living, and breathing world? Why do I feel as though I don't deserve this peace & magic that is riveting through my body right this second. Seen & felt in the eyes of myself with another. Where has my heart gone when I am making up excuses for everyone around me; Myself included. Understanding just a little too deeply. I can only remember everything bad that has happened to me. When I tell the news; it has been the worst. Like second nature; you're stuck on the road riding in circles in that uphill battle. Maybe get a break from my fear of everyone hating me because I am doing this or I did that. But, really I should have done that; had the exchange been different? Well anyways, I imagine a life similar to a straight line but with curves weaving in n' out or maybe a straight line with a big circle around it.

I've been stealing. I steal every god damn thing that I can use to help me keep this feeling coming. Wishing for the good ones but getting sent home with the comfort of disease. Why do I feel as though I am stealing? As if I am guilty of debauchery and sinister feelings. Is it the lack thereof that keeps my belly full of empty calories and rotting corpse? I don't deserve to live, this life is too great for me. The love too deep. The possibilities of joy and peace endless in a sky of diamonds. In the feather of a duck. The ripple of water in symmetrical circles. This creation is a gift; my heart beating with it when I let it. But my separation from me has given me dissonance and disease and is a force that drives me to steal your love... your light. There is always something wrong in my eyes; but I am choosing to see a bit different these days. I am using my eyes; I am feeling with them. I have these eyes that are actually born to see this beauty all around me. Now, if I could figure out how to see the beauty that lives inside of myself & inside everyone in our surroundings. Honestly, I do. I want to live in this World.

I've come to suck your BLOOD

I can't
this place is stale, rotting...
I can't
I can't move any longer like a snake making the same mistakes, biting it's own tail; like a child without a Mother or Father to hold her in times of pain
I can't
I can't do this any longer, marking the words of one's past and ensuring that it lasts
I can't do this any longer, this place is stale....where I have been & keep going back to,
Wondering if the taste will change with time.

I stand & wonder if the Earth has anything else to feed me; because I feel hungry, Mother.
This place is dripping from the seams with sadist content, I just can't any longer.

Jesters with masks, they all performed so well. Who are you trying to impress tonight?
Did you practice 3 days a week; made sure all the instruments were tuned and intact.
Did you go through your whole week leading up to tonight, missing the days gone by because all you were thinking of was tonight and how you will look, how you will sound, who will be there to make you smile, make you feel something you don't know for your self?
But excuse me, you can't give something you don't have and you can't fool me ! 
I was bored after seeing all of your expressions and emotionless movements.
You are just good at performing & a performance is cheap and prone to mechanical disease.
My pockets are empty, only keys clinking like handcuffs reminding me of my life that I signed up for. Sigh, this isn't even what I want.
 Pinned, trying to dance & sing my way free from these shackles that bind me.

I bought my first pack of cigarettes last night, because the thought & act of smoking a cigarette would bring me closer to You and it was my only option at that point. It worked, for what it was. The aroma brought me back where I was looking to be. The nicotine; love drunk and ready to close my eyes from all of this. I have loved the smell of a cigarette when it is first lit; ever since I can remember. But, I just always knew it was bad news to smoke. As a docent young girl in the backseat of the car, I liked it; a lot.  & I have always loved the way smoke lifted like a snake from the burning end. There wasn't anyone there that I wanted to speak to or even be by. I tried talking to a dude dressed up as Edward Scissorhands and he just stared at me. I'd tell a story or joke and of course I'd laugh at myself but most of the time people just stare at me. So, instead; I sat and admired all the people in the building. All the costumes and people dancing, like a fly on the wall; I sat. But there was no one there to sit with and be with. There wasn't anyone there to share my mind with. So, I left and smoked a cigarette on the way home and tried listening to music that'd take me where I needed to be. I felt more embraced in the darkness of my car with the smoke circling in and through me. A cool wind flowing through my windows and the thick fog surrounding me as I moped on down the 46. I felt more embraced in that 40 minutes then I did in that establishment filled with jokers & thieves. I needed something last night. I needed something; I really did. Maybe it was just myself and I've been looking for Me in all of You. But come to find out, Me is kinda boring and really fucking weird. I'll probably say something to hurt you and you'll end up not liking me anyways. I'll make you think twice about yourself & what you believe to be true; because that's all I do in my free time.  I'll jump up and down like a child because all this energy in me just needs to be released. I'll dance with my arms wide and swinging; along with my hips and winged feet. But I still feel alone even when the Stars, Moon and Sky are dancing with me. There is just no comparison of shared union with your same species. With someone that has a mind of yours and with someone whose heart beats in tune with you.  But I'm serious, who wants to hear theories about human evolution & talk about aliens, or poke fun at each other and laugh at our dumb selves & the dumb shit we do. I'm still feeling lonely and the cheap substitutes I keep bringing in don't last very long. They are stale in comparison and it seems that all I can afford these days is just that. Cheap and fast.

Milk Maiden; please Save Me

I just can't do this anymore...my seat is beckoning me to get off of it and reach for another place to be. The whispers have gotten to me and have created cracks and seals in my skull that make my head pound with anger and guilt-ridden anxiety. How am I supposed to live up to these expectations when I am stuck in 2nd degree waiting for the blind to see me. How am I supposed to live with grace when all I am doing is scrubbing clean the fountain that you truly, and I mean truly only see as dirty. Where is the branch that fell and hit you on the head back when you thought you had it all figured out and had it all typed up ready for press and print, all to see, all to read and misinterpret degenerately. For fuck's sake, this service has gotten me spinning in circles. Set up, eat up, clean up. I am paying for this, I am paying you, I am giving my time here to be looked at with critical glasses and never enough glances. And I left all behind me to pay my dues for the paycheck that comes with clocking in and clocking out day in & through. Driving to and from, here early, running late...running in circles, never really feeling the actual date. Your fortress has been cracking at it's seams for some time and you never seem to really fill those cracks up with ease. The truth seeps and wanders down the blades of your shoulder and helps you to think that maybe all this back-breaking work is worth something, enough to wonder? All this blood, sweat, and tears is what you are actually after. But the day goes on and the work must be done in order to produce the affect that we need. To produce something that was never needed to begin with. Busy work, work of the devil, work of the malice that seemed to be gaining an ounce of freedom and sanctity. Consuming your very heart for food on the table, addictions relayed and Netflix or some dumb cable reality T.V. How about a remodeled kitchen, new floors, and a trip overseas. Is this all you ever wanted ? And what about the tales lurking in the shadows, did you ever read them and think that maybe this is why you can't seem to stop and look at your life honestly? No, really...just stop and do nothing. But rather use things, fill it up with white flour, eggs, dairy and cheese. The milk of the Maiden, here to comfort your dis-ease. Here to cradle you in her bosom and let you rest her head on top of pasty-white cottage cheese thighs; a suit made only for milking everything under the Sun in soured distrust and needy lust. I wasn't made for this, but you made me believe the tale you've passed on through generations of recipes and sentimental tendencies. I could easily burn everything around me and feel more free than I ever have, even with you looking at me. Even with you worrying about me, especially.  A rebel with a cause, a fighter with no more than a tear left to add to endless Sea of never enough's and hey, look at me, Ma & Pa ! I want to live like a Tree and swim in the Sea, without an agenda of sorts or a need for pity and sympathy. I want to attend my own Party, where flowers grow wild and ideas are thrown into the sky and lost in the endless Galaxy of my own beating heart, with glittery giggles and tears made of salt water. 

A letter to Me...for You.

Oh, how that taste lingers. That familiar taste of something lingering in the air. I am caught between my intuition and my fear. Which is lying; which is real and looking out for me? Self-sabotage is real; it is there. I cling to the fear of never good enough; nothing right, everything is wrong. I learned to manipulate the emotions of others to feel something that I could never find. But, I just knew it was lingering somewhere deep in the caverns of my heart. In the dark deep caves where I did not dare to go; posted: NO TRESPASSING. But, everyone I meet leads me back to that place. They lead me back to the dark corners of my mind. To the darkest corners of my body. Holding me down, dragging me behind to that place I used to be. Holding on for dear life ! The fire idling; the corpse deteriorating and slowly decaying. No energy; just stagnating melancholy. How will I ignite the fire? Anger rising, emotions surpassing. Those emotions stirring inside, rustling the dead leaves. Learning to allow the dead to fall peacefully; lovingly, with no attachment and no degree of what is right or wrong. Why must I resist the heat? Why must I hold on to everything that doesn't serve me? I am addicted to the taste of malice and decree. I'd like to be friends with you but sometimes we meet each other with the taste of distrust and fear which only leads to misunderstanding and finger pointing. And that is when I know; I must go into my cave and swim in the depths of the sea to find me. Go in there and find the one hiding; the one crying and just hold her. Hold Me, and love Me. That is my responsibility. I beg of you to not take on the task. No matter how hard I try to be seen and felt pity for. No matter how hard I cry and stamp my feet. This is mine own. You owe me nothing; as I own none of it. Humble me, forgive me when I am down; when I have presented my arrogance to you for a turn in the wheel of life. To survive, surpass, and steal. The shadows in my heart are there; I can no longer deny them. So, leave me to find love in the pool of tears, in the waters of loss, and in the blood of life. And know that they serve me well when I do not place on top an opinion of which is right or wrong and know that it is all one.